Congratulations on Winning the Underground Super Bowl!

We rarely hear about it, but every year after the regular, above ground Super Bowl a second, far more interesting Super Bowl is played beneath the streets of America’s filthiest metropolises. Everything from were-bats to people who have been turned into bats after being exposed to radioactive materials gather in a series of subterranean arenas to determine who is truly the best football player in the seedy underworld of America.

We should mention, underground football has far fewer rules than regular American football. It’s like Aussie rules football, but slightly less brutal: players can carry blunt and edged weapons on to the field and use them to hack and slash at one another until a player is incapacitated, at which point all other players on the field are encouraged to fall upon the downed player and devour them.

This year your team, the Cleveland Mutants, will be up against the Brooklyn CHUDs. It’ll be a grudge match, since the Mutants used to be in Brooklyn back in the day, but as we all know moved to Cleveland when Brooklyn got kinda racist and Ohio threw enough money in the right direction. Both teams will have been hard pressed to get as far as they have so far, but the CHUDs will have put quite a bit of money into getting to the title match: they’ll have attracted more impressive freaks of nature and they’ll have bribed a lot of refs, which is slightly more legal in underground football than it is in regular football.

So tomorrow all bets will be off. It’ll be you: a scrappy group of mutants with no families to speak of, morals to claim or scruples about committing acts of terrible violence against an endless, sniggering horde of cannibalistic humanoids, most of them pretty tiny, a handful of them incredibly large.

Your team will wade into the game wielding bats with nails hammered into them, machetes attached to the end of brooms and fire axes that weren’t carefully secured in the city. A few of your more interesting teammates will also have blades where arms should be on their bodies. The CHUDs will have nothing but teeth, claws, and a lot of money to get their way out of various fouls.

But that money will run out quick, and before you know it the head basket that hangs in your end zone will be full and their head basket will contain only the head of Gary, the insufferable team captain who sought to inspire all of you to succeed. Everyone will be happy, everything will be great and you’ll have won the Underground Super Bowl! Enjoy the brief period of increased adulation and pay before people go back to shitting all over you for being from Cleveland again!

Congratulations on Winning the Underground Super Bowl!