Congratulations on Fighting Off That Falcon!

We all watch the evening news, so we all know that between China, northeast China, Indochina, Iran, North Korea, Russia circa-1983 and the Philadelphia Flyer’s franchise the world is in constant danger. It’s a miracle we haven’t all been obliterated by a nuclear weapon or subjected to the most grotesque treatment imaginable by the Flyers. But we haven’t, so we all continue to live in fear.

And today, while you walk along the banks of the Charles River, you’re going to discover a whole new concept for us to irrationally fear. You’ll have your eight month old infant and you’ll be taking a brisk walk from your upscale apartment off of Memorial Drive to the lab where your husband works. You’ll be planning on confronting him for never being around you and your newborn in the least appropriate fashion possible: by bringing an infant into a basement filled with high pressure furnaces following a walk through extremely inclement weather in mid-February.

It’ll be a terrible idea, and your marriage would be ruined, condemned to a slow death over the course of a decade and a half, if you actually went through with it. But on your way something far more interesting and less disastrous will happen. A falcon will swoop down out of nowhere and try to snatch up your baby.

In a flash your momma instincts will kick in. You won’t even realize that the falcon is coming, just that you have a vague sense of ill-omen descending upon you and your child. You’ll clutch your purse a little tighter before a flash of tremendous movement collides with the back of your child’s stroller.

The falcon will impact the shield intended to keep rain off of your baby, and it will be disoriented for a few moments. You’ll flip shit on the falcon and start wailing on it with your purse, battering about the head until it flies off, crawing in an annoyed fashion. Then you’ll realize just how stupid your idea was and head back home to your one bedroom apartment, where you’ll continue to work on monetizing your Gilmore Girls fansite.

You won’t succeed at that, but at least you’ll have saved your baby and, without really realizing it, your marriage!

Congratulations on Fighting Off That Falcon!