Congratulations on Carving Up the Only Sentient Cooked Turkey in the World!

You know how sometimes you get so hungry that people just turn into the shape of a piece of food? Like when you’re on a desert island and someone changes shape into a steak or a chicken leg and you attack them and, moments before committing the permanent act, you snap out of it and realize that you’re actually about to stab a person? It happens to you a lot, so often your family has grown accustomed to screaming “I’m not a sentient piece of food” when you get a certain look in your eye in order to avoid embarrassing Greek Easters or Fourth of July Picnics.

But today, in what you all like to call “February Thanksgiving,” the holiday your family invented so you could be moderately less offensive to the American Indians who were murdered by your forefathers, you’re going to encounter a real live talking turkey.

“Hey!” the turkey will stand up and shout. “Hey! Hey!”

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” your family will shout. They’ll all stand up from the table and back away until they’re ass to wall, staring at the turkey, waiting for something, anything, new to go wrong.

“I got this,” you’ll tell them, gesturing vaguely at the room surrounding you.

“Oh thank god,” the turkey will exclaim, standing up on its weird turkey legs and gesturing with its wings. “My name is Saul Kinsley and I’ve inhabited the body of this turk-“

You’ll cut off his life’s story with a serrated knife, digging it into his stomach and ripping it across, spilling his stuffing across the table.

“Oh god, oh god,” he’ll murmur, struggling to collect his stuffing in his tiny, worthless wings. “Please don-“

You’ll cut him again and again and again, taking limb from limb until he is totally dismembered. He’ll be screaming the entire time, despite his lack of a mouth. You won’t really know when he stops crying out. You won’t know if he just lost strength or if whatever eldritch power that drove that turkey to scream has been driven out by your reaving efforts.

All you’ll know is that when your family sits down and digs into the scattered corpse of the once-talking turkey it’ll be the best they’ve ever tasted. It’ll be so tasty that no one will argue. You’ll all just sit and eat. It’ll be one of the best February Thanksgivings ever.

Congratulations on Carving Up the Only Sentient Cooked Turkey in the World!