You won’t actually be Captain Pike, of course. That would be fucking crazy, if Star Trek was real and you were somehow transformed into a particular fictional character from an aging TV series. No, no, no. You’re just going to be mangled in a horrible car crash.
It’s going to suck pretty bad, but you’ll survive just barely. Unfortunately your voicebox will be destroyed, your hands will be too mangled to work a vocoder, and the majority of your body so devastated that you’ll be confined to a wheelchair where your worthless, bandaged hands will work the motorized controls.
It’ll be kinda shitty until you visit ComicCon (you’re a giant nerd) to get your spirits up, dressed as the Star Trek character you so identify with (your mom will help you with the costume).
Once you wheel in there in your tricked out wheelchair and start beeping your heart out you’re going to have girls dangling from each unusable arm. Unfortunately, once they get back to your hotel and discover your useless shell of a body, they’ll ditch. Politely, of course.
But, in two years, when stem cell research finds a cure for your horrible injuries, you’re going to be walking pretty with a solid knowledge of morse code and a great story. For now, though, congratulations on becoming Captain Pike. It would be funnier if it wasn’t so tragic.
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