Congratulations to Your Monkey Friend!

You’re a bored young man with a large inheritance and you’ve been directionless of late. Which is why the last few months have been so therapeutic for you. You’ve spent them bumming around the Mediterranean with your monkey companion, Stanislaus.

The two of you met when you were walking down a street in Istanbul and a man, Stanislaus’ current owner, tried to stab you. He perceived that you had slightly him by not applauding as he and Stanislaus performed a silent reenactment of Archie Bunker’s Place on the street, and believed that murdering someone of your wealth could provide him with money enough to retire.

Unfortunately for him Stanislaus gave his ploy away by chirping and pointing at the knife to get your attention as he crept nearer. You withdrew your vintage Luger pistol from your coat (your granddad was a Nazi) and shot the man repeatedly in the torso.

Stanislaus, understanding the rules of monkeys well, then walked over to you, your newfound property.

You’ll treat him far better than his previous master, giving him sweets and the like as the two of you have adventures the monkey had only dreamed of as he’d spent his nights in the street performers cramped studio apartment. The two of you will foil smugglers, uncover treasure and charm debutants all across Europe and Western Asia.

Stanislaus will be as happy as he’s ever been. His blood pressure will be low, he’ll be eating well and he won’t constantly be under the threat of physical violence from his owner.

It will be a good life for him, but he’ll know in his heart of hearts that he wants something more. He will yearn for freedom.

He can’t read or write, so tonight he’s going to hastily scribble some lines he hopes you can discern to indicate his intention to leave. Then he’s going to take all the money you have on you, a pittance by your standards, and head off back to his homeland at the Brooklyn Zoo.

Once he arrives he has concocted an elaborate scheme to purchase his family from the zoo using a clever disguise and a mastery of the English language he hopes to develop enroute.

When you awake and find him gone, you’ll be heartbroken. His note won’t clarify anything, and will just make you feel more frustrated at the whole incident. It’s only once you see your money gone that you’ll understand; Stanislaus is gone for good.

It’s a scenario you’ve encountered all too often, usually with prostitutes and kindhearted college students who thought there might be something more to you than just the money, then discovered there wasn’t and stole whatever they could to pay for speed and textbooks. You just never saw it coming with Stanislaus.

You’ll be hurt and a little surprised, although we don’t know why. This is the third time this has happened with monkeys since you started touring Europe. You think you’d wise up or at least carry less cash on your person.

Our advice would be to take his note to a Monkey Speaker. There are plenty in Florence, where you’re currently lodging. They’ll let you know just where Stanislaus is going to be. If you play this right you could meet him in New York and help him get his family back.

By then he’ll speak English, and you’ll be able to set him and his peeps up at one of your many sweet ass mansions. Then you’d have a whole family of super smart monkeys hanging around who owe you big. They could help you commit crimes, woo women and best rivals; they’d be indispensable.

But whatever happens, we’d like to say congratulations to your monkey friend. Freedom must be earned, and he’s done it.