Congratulations on Rejoining the Workforce!

Sorry this is coming out so late. I really hope it gets to you in time.

At 2:47 PM today you’re going receive a phone call regarding your résumé. It’ll be from a traveling circus in Vancouver, Washington. They’ll have found your résumé while sifting through the dumpster of a Pizza Roma who believed that while your MFA was impressive it did not qualify you over Reggie, who, although he didn’t finish high school, totally knows how to party if you get his drift.

The circus will be looking for a last minute replacement for their human cannonball, and while you don’t have any prior experience they’re not looking for a long term hire, just someone intelligent and reliable to help them out while they’re in town.

You’ve been desperate for work ever since you came to Portland and your long term girlfriend left you for some douchebag with a moustache, a trust fund, and a mistuned acoustic guitar, so you’ll shrug, say fuck it and take the job.

This will be the beginning of a successful career which will rocket you to the top of the performance art world. It will also lead to your death in three months when a safety net fails and you’re impaled by a horribly placed spike pit.

Bare in mind, you’ll enjoy those three months a lot. Being a human cannonball is actually a lot of fun. And you’ll end up sleeping with a contortionist for most of them. Her name will be Holly and she’ll be really nice and pretty except for a cesarian scar and a certain air of inexplicable and terrible sadness she carries with her at all times.

But you will end up dying in a terrible circus accident that everyone close to you totally saw coming. You can still get out of it, but it’ll get harder and harder as you continue working with the circus.

Basically, we’re just saying congratulations on rejoining the workforce. Also you might want to hire someone who isn’t an alcoholic to be your safety coordinator. Just a thought.