Congratulations on Winning the Martial Arts Tournament!

Well, after yesterday’s devastating predictions your future might seem pretty grim. And it is, but not for those reasons (you’re eventually going to learn from us that your son is going to kill you and, in an act of hubris, force him out of your home at a young age ultimately ensuring your demise at his hands) so we thought we’d give you some follow up news right away to get your spirits back up.

So, to recap, your wife left you, you lost the tournament, and you lost your best friend. But once you’d lost everything you felt like you finally had the resolve to follow your dreams.

First you’re going to take up smoking, then give it up. This is going to be tough. Quitting smoking is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do (you’ve had a pretty easy life) and even after that it’ll be a while before you get back in the saddle and start roundhousing it up.

Once that dream’s been accomplished you’re going to have a moment where you realize you’ve always taken Gwen for granted, fuck her and then marry her in a small civil ceremony conducted by your dad.

Once you’ve got the perceived love of a good woman at your back again you’ll be able to train so hard at Tae Kwan Do that you’ll become a force of nature. Every kick will be a thunderbolt, every punch a much, much smaller thunderbolt of similar origin and nature.

By this time roughly a year will have passed, and it’ll be time to enter the tournament. You’ll enter as a running joke now, a highly publicized cuckold who couldn’t fight without a lady going ra ra ra from the corner, but the jeers will be silenced after your first round in the tournament where you totally dominate a guy with roundhouses.

You’ll excel at the tournament once more, and your detractors will quickly come to root for you. Yours will be a tale of true redemption, and when you face the man you fought in the finals last year he’ll smile as you roundhouse him, knowing that this time the better man truly has won.

Then you’ll go on to the final bout against Sean. Sean and your ex-common-law-wife will, by now, have had two kids. They’ll watch in horror from the sidelines as you unleash your newfound fury upon Sean’s body. He’ll never walk again, but you’ll have a ribbon to tie to that little belt thing you’re wearing. If that isn’t worth crippling an old friend over I don’t know what is.

So...congratulations on winning the martial arts tournament, I guess. We’d all feel more comfortable if you took anger management classes instead of kicking people, though. We’re all glad you came to terms with your horrible breakup, but you were a lot cooler before you got so angry.