Congratulations on Ruining Your Marriage, Career and Friendship in One Fell Swoop!

It’ll all start at O’Flannigan’s. You have just gotten off of work and you’ll be outside whispering on your cell phone at your wife, who just told you she wants to enter couples therapy.

Your sex addiction has been trying your marriage since the very start, but lately it has taken on a sinister bent, with some really fucked up role-playing (no one finds Mendel as interesting as you) and spankings that have been too frequent and rough. It’s pent up aggression because things haven’t been going well at work, and because your dad has cancer.

As soon as you get off the phone with your wife you’ll go back in to the bar, where your co-worker Mary will be sitting there with two frosty beers. You’ll relate the story back to Mary and Mary, who’s just an awesome friend and has never really seen you in any sexual way, will tell you that the two of you need to get wasted.

You’ll be at O’Flannigan’s for another three hours doing boilermakers before you’re cut off and have to leave. More 86ed than cut off, since you’ll call the bartender a fag and are violently thrown out the door.

From there you’ll board the Red Line at Downtown Crossing, eating Chinese food and talking about who is and isn’t hot in your office. You’ll head outbound and get out at Harvard, where you’ll hop from bar to bar, getting cut off at each one, until you arrive at Hong Kong, where it’s impossible to be cut off.

There the two of you will share several “scorpion bowls” and in a drunken slur you’ll tell Mary how pretty she is. She’ll thank you, smile coyly and drink more of the most potent mix of liquors money shouldn’t be able to buy.

At two in the morning you’ll finally be asked to leave Hong Kong. Even after you offer the bartender one hundred dollars to stay and drink some more, you’ll still be pushed to the street, since the Mexican barkeep will have been working since six and will really be jonesing for some sleep.

Once outside Mary will offer to let you crash at her place; she lives in Davis and you’re all the way out in JP so it’s a totally platonic gesture on her part. The two of you will catch a cab and spend the ride awkwardly pressed to opposite ends of the backseat.

Once you get to her house you’ll try to start kissing her. You’ll get half a kiss off before she shoves you back and asks what the fuck you’re doing. You’ll confess a slurry of emotions before you finally spill the beans about your sex addiction and she’ll be uncomfortable with you spending the night.

She’ll pretty much push you out in the street where you’ll sit, too drunk to call a cab, until you fall asleep in a fetal position on her concrete porch. This is how the police will find you in three hours, before they take you to the detox and call your wife.

They’ll tell her where they found you, and your wife knows Mary and will assume that you cheated with her (you were always bugging her for a threesome with your favorite co-worker) and won’t even show up to check you out. When you get home you’ll find a note reading “FUCK YOU!” in sprawling letters taped to the fridge, and most of her shit gone.

You’ll pull a beer out of the fridge without removing the note and sit alone at the kitchen table, staring at a wall wishing you were better at reading people. As you sit there, you’ll realize that after last night you’ll never be able to go back to your job and as you recall your aggressive sexual behavior towards Mary, you’ll know you can’t face her again, not without taking drastic apologetic measures.

You’ll sit there at the table feeling the moisture from the beer on your hand thinking that this is the only thing you have left.

Congratulations on ruining your marriage, career and friendship in one fell swoop!