Congratulations, Rapist!

Well, it’s been a long three years. Evidence has been brought to bear, and many have testified against you, both men and women. You’ve denied their claims roundly, without guilt or sympathy but it was only a matter of time before Priscilla took the stand and put an end to all that.

You never raped Priscilla. You’ve done terrible things in your lifetime (you murder people for a living, and all of your “victims” loved ones are trying to get you in jail because of that) but you’ve never actually raped anyone. But the night you killed Priscilla’s husband you fell in love with her. You pulled that trigger, destroyed her world, and you’ve never been able to forgive yourself.

That made you get sloppy. And it gave the number two hitman in the United States a chance to get all of the families of your victims together to put you away for a long time. Long enough for him to make number one at least.

It’s happened to friends of yours before, you just never thought it would happen to you. But it did, as it does to all hit men. And now you’re paying the price.

When Priscilla takes the stand to lie just to see you rot in prison she’ll have tears welling in her eyes. You won’t be able to look away from her, your face locked in an expression of profound disappointment in both yourself and the justice system. Her eyes will fall upon you and the two of you will share a moment and you’ll know what needs to be done.

You’ll whisper to your lawyer, who will shake his head, and then stand at your chair before Priscilla has a chance to finish her account. The judge will bang his gavel and you’ll hold up your hands, indicating that you have something important to say.

Once silence falls on the courtroom you’ll look to the judge with your demanding gaze and say “I’d like to change my plea to guilty.”

He knows what’s going on (he’s been a judge for a long time, and knows the drill on these things) so he’ll nod solemnly and bang his gavel again. The courtroom will erupt in a cacophony, but you won’t care.

You’ll turn your gaze to Priscilla and say to her, soft and true across the din, “I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you, Priscilla. I understand you can never forgive me, but I’m sorry.”

Tears will well in her eyes, and she’ll know you mean it more than you’ve ever meant anything in your life. She’ll know in that moment that she’s the only person who ever could’ve drawn the good out of you, and that you deserve to be here less than any of the people on that stand against you.

You’ll sit down, your last crucial statement in life delivered to the woman you barely knew, but still loved. Boos and hisses will fall upon your back, but you won’t hear any of them. You’ll just see Priscilla, her grim determination replaced with confusion as she processes what she now knows.

You’re going to jail tomorrow. In six months the DNA evidence which had been falsely brought against you will be thrown out and you’ll be released thanks to the efforts of mob lawyers. The key will just be living that long. Rapists don’t have an easy time in prison, especially white rapists who had so many people testify against them. Lucky for you your entire body is a deadly weapon.

And in six months, guess who will be waiting for you at the prison gates? Priscilla in her powder blue Ford Taurus, smiling, tears still in her eyes. You read her right (hitmen are always psychic) and her capacity for forgiveness and human good will be without equal. In her arms you’ll finally have a chance to be something more than just a killer. It’s something to look forward to as you dream of a life without strife.

But tonight you’re going to be settling in to your new cell, surrounded by catcalls and hushed threats. As the lights go out your cellmate will whisper his goodnight to you.

“Congratulations, Rapist.”

Break his wrists quick, before he tries to shiv you. Keep up the pace for a few more days and prison will get a lot easier.