Ever seen the movie Foot Fist Way? Well, you might want to. In addition to being a fine film, your life over the next week is going to strongly resemble it.
You’re going to be participating in an All American Tae Kwan Do tournament dominated by white dudes, most of them extremely southern. There will be moustaches, roundhouses, and sordid affairs that ruin lives both inside and outside of the ring.
You’ll be doing pretty well, though. Your “special lady,” as you call her, or Common-Law Wife as most of us call her, will consistently offer you support, and you’ll use that support to rise from a brand spankin’ new participant to a household name in the few households following this tournament.
But come the final round she’ll burst into your dressing room (for some reason you have a dressing room) weeping and confess that she’s been cheating on you with your best friend and trainer, Sean. Sean will sheepishly trail in behind her and apologize.
Your first reaction will be anger.
“Why couldn’t you have told me this in two hours?” you’ll scream.
Your wife will respond weeping.
“I’m sorry. We just felt like we had to get it out. And I didn’t want you winning this tournament on the false pretense that my love was guiding you instead of your own natural ability at kicking people in a highly structured fashion.”
This will puzzle you.
“What do you mean?”
Sean will step forward, head still low because he expects you’re going to roundhouse him at any second.
“You thought you were winning because your wife believed in you. But she’s been cheating on you for the last three years. The only thing guiding you has been your own skill.”
This will only exacerbate your confusion.
“Wait, the two of you have been having an affair for the last three years? What the fuck man?!”
A lump will form in your throat and tears will well in your eyes. You’ll have to sit down. But your wife will rush up to comfort you, placing a hand on your shoulder. You’ll recoil slightly, since all you’ll be able to think about is that hand caressing Sean’s package.
“Honey, don’t you see? The love you thought was giving you strength was never real! It was just your own martial arts prowess!”
You’ll push her away, get out of the chair and stare into the mirror, taking in the image of the three of you. After a few minutes of controlled breathing you’ll be able to talk without your voice breaking.
“Didn’t you stop to think that my perception of that love is what was giving me strength, and not the metaphysical force itself?”
This will give the two of them pause.
“Oh...shit,” Sean will say.
Your wife will put her hand to her mouth.
“Oh god, honey. I’m so...so sorry... I never...”
This is the perfect moment to burst up from your chair, walk past her brusquely and head out to the floor for your final bout where you’ll lose quickly and dramatically. People will be disappointed in you, and your wife and friend are going to feel like idiots. That second one is totally deserved, though.
Talk to your second best friend, Gwendolyn Steinmenz, and get back to training. You’ve got more future in store for you tomorrow.
Congratulations on Losing the Martial Arts Tournament!
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