You’re an obese man who is being filmed by a sitcom crew without his knowledge. They haven’t aired any of the footage yet (they spoke with your doctor who says, given your atrocious diet and lack of exercise, you’ll be dead within a year) but they plan to after your death in the form of a television show called Living It Up!
Today you’re going to discover their existence when you devour the entire cake at your sister’s wedding. One of the PAs is going to laugh so hard he’ll fall out of his chair while all the other guests simply look on in a combination of disgust and amazement.
A second PA will run up and drag his laughter-crippled comrade away, but now you’ll start to notice that a small group of young men are following you everywhere you go.
This will make you incredibly self-conscious and the behavior which had previously made your life a never ending sea of hilarity will vanish. In its place will be the life of a sedentary, angry young man who has no self-control. The show will shift from being a wondrous unintentional sitcom to a candid, shameful documentary about the horrors we bring to bear on ourselves.
You’ll still die, since you have absolutely no self-control, but now their sitcom will be torpedoed and you won’t live on forever as one of the greatest television legends of all time.
You ruin everything you touch, is what we’re saying, and you shouldn’t have ruined your sister's wedding that way. There were many other ways you could've ruined it. In fact, you made a big step in that direction just by showing up.
But congratulations on eating the entire wedding cake anyways, fatass. On the upside most of America won’t have to stare at your ugly face on NBC from seven to eight on Wednesdays now.
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