Congratulations on Taping Street Sharks!

It’s been a tough couple of years for you. You and your wife have been going through a rough spat and recently entered a period of trial separation to see if your relationship was worth saving.

She’s been having a great time with it, by the way. When she isn’t clubbing she’s doing it with some strange dude she brought back to the studio apartment she rented to get her life back on track. She’s sleeping well, eating better and she’s even quit smoking since she purged your toxic presence from her life.

But you haven’t been doing so well. You mostly sit at home and cry now, occasionally eating whipped cream right out of the can in a gesture which is simultaneously awesome and fucking gross.

The only upside is that you have a lot of time to catch up on TV you missed years ago. Thanks to the combined efforts of Netflix, the internet and hulu you’ve watched obscene amounts of cancelled TV which has found a second life on DVD.

But one show has eluded you constantly: Street Sharks. A short lived animated series intended to sell action figures, Street Sharks has been without proper DVDs or hulu-enthusiasts (hereafter referred to as hulusiasts) savvy enough to secure its immortalization on the web.

Well, today it’s going to be broadcast on the WB from 2 PM to question mark. Some dude took the entire station hostage in an effort to get that show back on the air. He’s going to kill three people and eventually be shot to death by cops, so don’t let his sacrifice be in vain.

Dust off your old VCR and slam some tapes in. If the only tapes you have are wedding tapes don’t worry about it, erase them anyway. Your bitch wife will use it as a reason to formally divorce you, but trust us, you can do better. Tape that show’s brains out. Switch out tapes after every sixth episode, during commercial, and you should be able to get the entire series on five VHS cassettes.

After that you’ll have all you need to start building your life back up. We’ll let you figure out the details on that; we’d hate to ruin the surprise.

Oh, and congratulations on taping Street Sharks. We’d love to borrow those tapes some time, by the way.