Congratulations on Founding That Penguin Preserve!

Next month, in an extremely misguided attempt to woo the affections of a Linux obsessed barista, you’re going to found a penguin preserve in southern Florida.

You’re an extremely rich young man with no practical skills and a crippling social disorder and you’re going to pour all of your resources into this preserve. That means putting out a call for penguin experts in the state of Florida.

There are relatively few penguin experts in the state, and even fewer unemployed ones. But you’re going to get some promising responses to your ad, and for a while it’ll look like this preserve is going to take off despite your ineptitude. That’s when you’ll meet Shiloh and it’ll all fall apart.

Shiloh will be a self-taught “expert” with no real experience and a lot of heart. He’ll also be great at talking people into things, and ere long he’ll have a quarter of your total funding dedicated to his pay and projects and have you convinced the other experts are tools of the government trying to undermine your entire operation.

Once Shiloh takes over he’ll force you to leave the preserve until opening day, so that he can “work without having his vibe harshed.”

We could go through what he’s doing to do, but due to the legal battle going on in the next few months that would constitute publically disclosing evidence so our hands are pretty tied. We can tell you how the opening is going to go down, though.

You’re going to bring the barista to the opening and all of the penguins will either be dying or will have been eaten by an alligator. She’s going to flip shit, you’re going to be confused, and the entire thing will be torpedoed.

Have fun with the impending litigation and next time check references instead of listening to con men. And congratulations on founding that penguin preserve. It will easily be the least retarded attempt to get some pussy you make over the next few months.