Congratulations on Receiving Your First DUI!

Not that this is the first time you’ve ever driven drunk. Oh, god no. That was that time you shot your pappy while he was teaching you to hunt because even if the good lord had seen fit to give you titties, he was going to raise you like a boy. He had you drink a bottle of Wild Turkey with him and you still don’t remember how you survived the trip. You were 14 at the time, by the way.

Nor is this the first time you’ve ever been caught. You were 18 at the time then, and you agreed to blow the police officer in order to be let off the hook. Your boyfriend, 19 at the time, watched from the passenger seat. This is actually how he realized he was gay.

This is just the first time you’ve been charged. We’re surprised you made it this far, but you’re 23 and the cop who pulled you over is one of those “fags” who doesn’t accept sexual favors from people he’s arresting.

You’ll be riding with an open bottle of Jameson between your thighs and he won’t even perform field sobriety on you. He won’t have to; you’ll scream how wasted you are at him for a solid ten minutes while he tries to keep you standing upright so he can get you in the cruiser.

When you come to at 4 AM the next day you’ll look out the bars of your cell to see him there, at his desk in that small town Arizona prison, filling out paperwork. You’ll be struck by his piercing eyes, strong jaw and flawless skin. It won’t even take a heartbeat for you to fall in love.

So here are some tips on how to play this: remember, he knows you like to party, so you don’t need to tell him that again. He already turned you down once, but that doesn’t mean you can’t win him over. Show him another (sober, if you have it anymore) side to yourself. And finally, buy a shirt that isn’t a halter top. Cops dig classy dames.

Oh, and congratulations on receiving your first DUI. Even if shit doesn’t work out this morning you’ll still see him at your hearing.