Congratulations on Winning the Roller Derby!

Today’s prediction goes out to the Minnetonka Truckfuckers. The Truckfuckers, a local favorite, have been rapidly climbing the ranks of amateur roller derby over the last few months and, following a strong endorsement from The Soviettes, have become an upstart favorite for the championship.

We’re here to tell you just what’s going to go down when the Truckfuckers face off against the Ladybirds. It’ll be pretty general, but if you want to be sure to avoid spoilers don’t read on.

The Ladybirds, while more experienced and generally larger than the Truckfuckers, lack the heart that the Truckfuckers bring to the game. Also, most of the Truckfuckers have lower centers of gravity and are generally vicious, violent people who have had the world shit on them quite enough already, thank you very much. And they’re going to let all that rage out in the rink.

The Ladybirds will have an impressive laundry list of casualties, not the least among them Shelly “Indestructible” McGill, their powerful team captain. They’ll put up a solid fight, and the Truckfuckers will take some hits as well, but in the end the Ladybirds just won’t have what it takes.

The victory will be glorious, bloody and absolute. Both teams will have fought a battle well and will have earned their places in roller derby history.

So congratulations to the Minnetonka Truckfuckers on winning the roller derby! Your name is becoming embarrassing to say.