Congratulations on Your Improper Flare Gun Usage!

You thought that “discount yacht tour” you found on Craigslist was too good to be true and sure enough you were right. The “tour guide,” Shep Charleson, is actually a crazed serial killer who mentally breaks his victims through a torturous sea voyage from which there is no escape before he finally ends their wretched lives.

You’ve been on a boat with this cackling mad man for several weeks, living in fear as he viciously beats and rapes you and your wife on an alternating schedule while the other looks on horrified. Life has become a hollow shell for you, and if it wasn’t for your wife and your love for her you would’ve ended it long ago. But today the nightmare will finally be over!

Today as you simply weep softly instead of struggling when he enters you, he’ll decide you’ve been broken. After a ho-hum session of anal rape (he doesn’t really get into it without the power dynamic) he’ll decide that he could use some help crewing the ship. He’ll give you a line and tell you to unfurl the jib. Big mistake on his part. Good job, Tricky Dick (your given name is Richard).

After a brief struggle you’ll wrap his neck in the line and strangle him with the rope, leaving his body trailing as the jib luffs pathetically in the too-light wind. Overjoyed, you’ll head down below and free your wife from her bonds.

After that you’ll search through the supplies together, trying to find some means of signaling for rescue. He’s a smart serial killer (he’s been running these “tours” for almost twelve years now, just as his ad said, without being caught) so there won’t be a radio or anything straightforward like that. But he was smart enough to be ready in case he needed help, so after a lengthy search you’ll at last find a flare gun, as well as a single flare.

You’ll be so happy it’ll be impossible to stop yourself from playing with the gun. You know you should, but it is such a happy day. You won’t think anything could go wrong.

You will be, just as you were when planning this trip, tragically mistaken.

You’re going to shoot yourself in the head with the flare gun. You’ll think you were doing some cutesie routine about how you wanted to end it all and then bam. A flare will shoot with impressive force into your skull, turning you into a human roman candle.

From a purely objective perspective it will be pretty awesome, but your wife is going to flip shit. Eventually, she’ll get over it though, and after she’s rescued she’ll marry that doctor she’s been cheating on you with once every other week. They’ll be very happy and she’ll slowly come to recover from her horrible experience with his assistance.

After a year of beautiful marriage she’ll realize that he was always the one, and marrying you right out of high school was a mistake, just like her mother always said. So things are really looking up for her, at least.

So congratulations on your improper flare gun usage. It was pretty awesome, the way you killed that dude with a line. You even had a witty line when you did it, something like “Time for me to hang you out to dry” or “Yo ho ho and a bottle of dead.” We lost track of what it was exactly. But in the end your inability to tell between genuine laughter and awkward chuckles at your off-putting jokes will kill you, just like that gypsy told you it would.

Hoist the dead sail! That was it. Fucking classic.