Congratulations on Framing Wilmer Valderrama!

Good job! At long last Wilmer Valderrama will be behind bars where he belongs. He’ll be there because today you’re going to sell him some cocaine and then shove him into a cop.

As anyone who isn’t a celebrity knows, bumping a peace officer is a good way to get your cavity searched and Wilmer, not being from the hard knock streets like you, will not have known this. He’ll have thought that as a celebrity he could not possibly be arrested for something as silly as possession of a controlled substance in amounts larger than one pound, and certainly not because an officer he had bumped on the street found it wedged inside of his colon. Will he ever be wrong.

But as you know all cops are people whose lives peaked mid high-school, and they want to perpetuate the rules that governed their lives then and enforce them on the world at large. So once Wilmer’s shoulder touches Officer Brady and he’s knocked back a step, his fate is sealed. In a matter of seconds his pants will be off and he’ll be receiving Officer Brady’s unlubricated fist in his most private of areas.

As Officer Brady is up to his wrist in Fez’s rectum you’ll start to get squeamish and wonder if even someone so horrible as Wilmer Valderrama really deserves this. He does, but you’re a nice guy, so you’ll withdraw the cocaine from his discarded pants and shake it in the air.

“Look what I found,” you’ll say.

Officer Brady will rapidly withdraw his ungloved hand, leaving Wilmer collapsed like an abandoned puppet, and proceed to stick his finger into the drug substance and taste it. It’ll be tough not to scream “Ewww, gross,” but remember, this is a cop and you want to get Valderrama in jail. If you criticize the officer’s methods you’re sure to be cavity searched yourself, and then likely imprisoned for being of mixed racial heritage (you’re a black Eskimo).

After a few painfully long seconds he’ll lick his lips and say in his deepest cop voice, “Cocaine.” Then he’ll nod, pick Wilmer up by the scruff of his neck and toss him into the back of his cruiser.

Wilmer Valderrama is going to prison today, and it’s all because of your tireless efforts. Well done. You’ve ensured that we won’t have any more That 70’s Show Reunions to deal with. Although there might be one when he’s released from prison. But you’ve got plans involving Ashton Kutcher that will hopefully put a stop to that.