Congratulations on Waking Up!

You’re going to accomplish the biggest thing you’ve done in the last six years this afternoon. You’re going to wake up!

No, you’re not clinically depressed or chronically unemployed, although you are quite unemployed right now. You’ve been in a coma! While so incapacitated your still conscious partner has performed oral sex on you a total of seven times, you’ve seen thirty seven different bouquets of flowers, you’ve had one uncomfortable kiss from a young orderly who was captivated by your beauty. You also saw the movie Maid in Manhattan, and paid about as much attention to it as the rest of the world did when it was out in theaters. But today is going to top it all.

Today your eyes will flutter open and you’ll wake up gasping. It’ll be a disorienting few minutes, since the last time you were conscious you were in a bar fight with a two hundred and thirty pound heavily tattooed man who proceeded to beat you with a pool cue until you lost consciousness.

He would’ve gone easy on you but you were, as he put it, “a dyke,” and “he’d hate to discriminate on how he treated people who slept with his ex-wife depending on sex.” So down you went. Your assailant is currently in prison, although because of his egalitarian statement he was not given additional sentencing based on hate crime legislation. He bears you no ill will (you gave as good as you got and earned his respect) and is up for parole in a week. He’ll send you an ice-cream cake with his prison earnings, simply decorated with the word “Sorry” and for your part you’ll laugh and won’t report his parole violation.

You’ll scream as you realize you’re not in the bar, and try to get out of bed, but you’ll collapse on your now useless legs. The orderly who once kissed you will be at your side in a flash, eyes wide with shock and a touch of fear. You’ll shout your lover’s name as he holds you and tries to comfort you. He’ll call a nurse and she’ll get Grace on the phone and she’ll be in her Subaru Forester faster than you can say “My comatose love has finally awoken!”

Grace has been true to you all these years, thanks largely to her huge heart and your gorgeous eyes, the kind that are too expressive to do justice. Even when they’re closed people can see the beautiful soul hanging out behind them (hence the orderly).

So despite the facial scarring and the new steel plate in your skull you’re totally going to have a bangin’ hot girlie on your arm when you roll out of that hospital in a sweet ass wheelchair, although once she gets you home she’s not going to go easy on you. You’re going to have trouble sitting down for a while, but in a good way.

When you first try to sleep memories of the last six years will crash on you with the force of a riptide and start pushing down on you. Just ride it out. If you lose it you’ll end up in another coma and even though Grace has a big heart, she doesn’t deserve that. She’s got you back. Don’t let her down.

Oh, and congratulations on waking up. It gets easier every day.