Congratulations on Passing the Test!

Right now you’re in jail awaiting execution, but things will turn around for you soon. Tomorrow you’ll be loosed into a gargantuan maze inhabited by a huge creature of nightmare spawned from the unholy union of man and bull.

After days and days wandering this maze, one step ahead of the hideous monstrosity nipping at your heels, you’ll find yourself exhausted, cornered, and bereft of any hope. When this happens you’ll turn on your heel and finally face the beast that’s been pursing you.

It will be smaller than you expected, but still pretty big. We’re talking around eight and a half feet and half a ton of mostly muscle and horns staring down at you. It’ll scare you something fierce, but then you’ll remember the PCP laced joint you hid in your shoe when you were captured by that narc king and his square guards.

You’ll light the joint off your ever trustworthy Zippo™ lighter and smoke the living shit out of it. The PCP will course through your veins and you’ll go apeshit on the minotaur, ripping its horns off and ramming them into its eyes. We hate to mix our Greek myths, but it’ll be very Oedipal.

After you kill him you’ll tear open his corpse with your bare hands and wear it like a coat around you. You’ll occasionally take it off to feast on the putrid flesh still hanging off his bones. Garbed in this fashion you’ll wander back out of the maze, dazed and coming down from the angel dust. No one will mess with you, since you’ll be draped in a monster corpse and you’ll look like you’ve been high as shit for the last few days. When you get to the bus you’ll have a seat all to yourself, which will be nice since you’ve had a rough week.

Later you’ll remember you were supposed to get the king’s daughter on the way out, but you’ll be too tapped to do anything about it. She’ll curse you and your dad, who’s always been a repressed homosexual by the way, will shoot himself in the mouth in a few days in a fit of rage and guilt over his lie of a life.

But everything else is pretty much going to be aces for you over the next couple of weeks, so try to enjoy the ride and don’t be too bummed about your gay dad’s suicide. Oh, and don’t spend all of your inheritance on ways to get high the way you plan to. Its really not a very good idea.

And congratulations on passing the test. PCP really is a miracle drug, isn’t it?