Congratulations On Freeing Yourself From the Handcuffs!

Good job. That was step one. Now you’re no longer bound to that pipe there. The guard is coming back in roughly one to three minutes, so you’ve got to move quickly and quietly.

Move behind the door on the side with the hinges and hold the handcuff so that the pointed part that fits into the rest of it is pointing out from your hand like a car key or a shiv.

What’s a shiv? Its sort of an improvised stabbing weapon, usually crafted from a file. Yeah, that’s the idea.

So this part is going to be unpleasant. You’re going to want to shove it into the side of his neck and pull outward, hooking his windpipe and essentially decapitating him. He’s going to bleed a lot (imagine those old Gushers gummies – its that sort of deal) but he should only make a big gasping and gurgling sound since you’ll get his voicebox there if you do it right.

If you fuck up, don’t panic. Just try to ram it into his eye. Its not as easy, but its still effective.

Its also super gross, so just bear that in mind. Blood is one thing, but you’ll be getting a mess of viscous fluid all over your clothes if you do that one.

Stop crying. You wanted to save your beanie baby collection, and this is how you’ve got to do it.

Now you’ve got thirty minutes before that Columbian drug dealer calls the shipping company to schedule the pickup for your newly cocaine filled beanie babies, so you’ve got to keep your wits about you and do this just right. Its a lot to ask of any 11 year old girl, but I know you’ve got it in you. Think of those beady eyes and stitched smiles and find that strength within you.

Just a few seconds now.

You know what to do.

Oh, and congratulations on freeing yourself from the handcuffs. One step at a time. You’re going to do this.