Tonight you’re going to lose your virginity. It’s been a long time coming (you’re twenty seven) and you’re not going to have a clue what you’re doing. It would be hilarious if you were a nicer guy, but the reason you haven’t been laid yet is because you’re a douche bag who takes himself too seriously.
You’re going to come before you even get inside when you accidentally try to fuck her bellybutton. Its going to be hilarious, and when you finally do get it right you’ll be done in under a minute and it will have been intensely awkward for her, as if you were fucking a “real doll” instead of a person.
When you “finish” she’ll ask if that was it, and you’ll look at her like you had no idea that this wasn’t how it was supposed to go. She’ll proceed to pull out a dildo and ask you to finish what you started.
After like twenty minutes of what could best be charitably be described as “fumbling” and more accurately described as “ill-informed probing” she’ll say “I came” in a normal tone of voice. Then you’ll lay in bed next to her grinning and giving yourself the double thumbs up for twenty minutes until she asks you to leave.
She’ll have a kid in about nine months. It will be a boy, born out of wedlock. She’ll marry another dude who knows how it all works down there instead of you, and he’ll actually be a much better dad than you’d be anyhow (he’s super nice and likes kids, and also doesn’t quote The Goonies at inopportune moments. That “Baby Ruth” bit really just made the sex that much more awkward).
Buy some blue shit and take a sex class, and talk to your failure of a father to figure out how you can be a positive part of your kid’s life. And congratulations on embarrassing yourself. I hope one day you grow enough as a person to laugh at this with all of us.
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