Congratulations on Awakening the Destroyer of Worlds!

Congratulations! Today you’re going to break the already strained membrane between worlds and permit entrance to a being of unimaginable horror which has been straining at its walls for centuries, a being whose very name would shatter the minds of all who hear it, a being we’ll simple call It.

You’ve been working on summoning It ever since you dropped out of grad school when you realized studio art just wasn’t your thing. You needed something to fill your days, and It just seemed like a good choice.

It promised you wealth, power and eternal life in exchange for your aid and, like a dope, you gobbled it up before you even though to ask what good wealth would do in a world where madness was the only valid currency.

Since then you’ve spent oodles and oodles of your parents money (you’re a bored heiress) collecting occult books and exploring deadly and ancient ruins. You’ve seen parts of the world many would simply be unable to comprehend and your concept of reality has shifted dramatically. It would be impossible to describe the things you’ve seen and experienced without testing the sanity of our readership, so they’ll have to trust us: shit has been wild over the last five years.

On December 23rd, 2008 on an uncharted, nameless island in the South Pacific, you’ll find an ancient temple teeming with traps. After a long, death defying journey which kills most of your party (by “party,” we mean “archaeological field trip from the University of Wisconsin”) you, your lover, and a single virginal doctoral candidate will arrive at a twisted black altar. You and your lover will strap the doctoral candidate to the altar and take turns deflowering him while bleeding him out. When he finally dies he’ll ejaculate, and from that seed will spawn a gateway to another world.

Its terrible form will breach our world through this gateway, and one of its shapeless, horrible tentacles will wrap itself around your body. Your lover will take off running and you’ll be left, gibbering and mad, in Its embrace.

You’ll get all the power you were promised (It is a horrible inter-dimensional being of its word) but your mind will be a smoking ruin of eldritch knowledge, and it’ll be a good long while before you can process it. But, assuming your lover doesn’t get back to civilization and banish It with the help of some academics at Suny-Binghamton, you should be well taken care of until then, with a place of honor at the side of the nameless horror you just handed our planet to.

So congratulations on awakening the destroyer of worlds. I mean, you’re 31 now. It's about time you did something with your life.