Congratulations! It's Neither Boy Nor Girl!

Well, it’s been a pretty good seven months followed by an awkward five as you’ve awaited the birth of your first child with your wife. It was going to be such a joyous occasion, but you made a promise all those years ago that secured your success in the business world (you’re the leading salesman of cat furniture in New England) and now its coming back to you. Something terrible has been growing within your wife’s womb.

The first strange ultrasound will come at seven months, when most religious people who aren’t total fags agree the soul begins to develop. The child will lose all primary sex characteristics within a day and begin to take on a dark, murky countenance on the ultrasounds. Until this point it was going to be a girl. You were going to name it Molly.

After the change you’ve had some trouble coming up with names. A wordless scream expressing otherworldly dominion keeps haunting your dreams and you sort of want to use that, but you’re not sure how to spell it and it might push your already strained relationship with your wife to the breaking point, so lately you’ve considered something fairly safe like Pat or Bobby.

Your wife won’t respond to these names. She’ll simply lay in bed with her eyes wide open, tears welling in them as she imagines the monster growing inside her. She’ll be possessed of an otherworldly strength, though, which will be cool. You’ll first notice it when she shoulder butts a car into a parking space. It’ll be the one upside of the whole process.

When the birth finally comes she’ll need every ounce of that freakish strength to deal with the hellish labor pains that wrack her body. Agony will be her world for six days and six nights. It will puzzle her OBGYN, as well as the two other doctors he brings in for advice and the priest you brought in “just in case,” a young British man named John Constantine. None of them will have a clue what’s going on until her womb bursts open and a shadowy figure not of this world emerges.

It will stride out, unfolding as it does so. Tendrils of darkness will surround the hellspawn as it enters this world, smiling grimly as it takes in its future dominion. As it looks at you with its eyeless, black skull it will stare through you into its very soul and issue its chilling first word.

“Father.”

It’ll be sort of adorable, to be honest. It will also be incredibly disturbing, since it will speak like a mix between a fully grown woman and a shrieking hellbeast. One of the doctors will lose consciousness, and the priest’s fingers will go white gripping his cross.

It will be the start of a brief and horrible life that will shatter the world. You’ll survive, but most people will agree that you really wish you hadn’t. You’d let us know, but you’ll long since have lost the capacity for communication thanks to your “child.”

So congratulations! It’s neither boy nor girl! Name it Terry and invest in holy water. Otherwise it’ll be really hard to establish boundaries for the little tyke.