Congratulations on Wearing a Condom!

Unlike most of our “articles,” this one really isn’t about terrible or enlightening things happening to you. You made a great call today. Wearing a condom is a great way to prevent VD. Also, you really shouldn’t have a kid. Ever, if possible. If you bred, your spawn would resemble you in some way, and one of you is way more than enough.

In fact, we’ve been planning an intervention/dismemberment to cut down on the retarded number of high fives and awkward thumbs up you’ve been handing out like so much herpes (which you avoided through the use of a condom, GOOD JOB!). Bridgette was going to bring the hacksaw and the staff here were going to bring the rope and we were going to tie you to a chair and talk long and hard about some problems we had.

After last night, though, Bridgette decided it would be too awkward. She normally doesn’t have issues removing body parts from men after she sleeps with them. But I guess she felt bad for you, so we’re working on finding another “cold blooded dame,” as you’d say, who’s willing to lop off your body parts. But your penchant for thoroughly retarded behavior aside, it was also a good idea because Bridgette, lovely girl she is, had the siph. So you dodged a bullet there.

We just wanted to offer this affirmation for your wise choice. Although if you could be a little less intolerable, especially at parties, it’d be really nice.

Really nice.