Congratulations On Getting Over the Well Thing!

Today you will have been trapped in a well for a total of seven days. You’ve eaten your shoes and are beginning to lose hope. Don’t! You’re almost over there, and today you’re going to get over this whole well thing once and for all!

When you wake in the lukewarm water of the well a nine year old deaf boy will be peering down towards you. All you’ll be able to make out is the vague outline of a child, so you’ll cry up to him.

“Hello? Hello?”

Your voice, by this point, will be hoarse. On day one you’ll have occupied yourself by singing “I Wanna Go Home,” thinking it was pretty funny and that you’d be rescued since the well is located in the middle of a thriving metropolis (they’ve paid us handsomely not to say which one) so your voice will still be ruined from that.
When he cups his ear and shake his head you’ll assume its your voice, and not his ears. You’ll raise up your voice and try again.

“Please. Get help.”

He’ll leave, and you’ll be filled with hope. You’ll think he’s finally gone to find you rescue, and begin laughing with joy.

In fact he’s left because he believes that you’re a drug addled thrill seeker who leapt down the well. There is, as he and everyone else in town knows well, a ladder that leads from the bottom of the well to the top and he’ll think that you, being of apparently able body (he has super vision to make up for his ears and he totally saw your bangin’ bod, all the prettier for a week soaking in that well, Hottie McHotterson) just climbed out of the god damn well as any child over the age of three would. He’ll have gone off to sign to his deaf friends about how nice your tits were.

After an hour or so you’ll realize he’s not coming back with help and you’ll be really sad. You’ll weep and flail around and eventually you’ll hit the wall and feel metal. You’ll notice there’s a ladder there and you’ll inch yourself up on to it, weakened by not eating but finally strengthened with the resolve that you might live.

After fifteen minutes of laborious climbing you’ll reach the top and cry tears of joy as you lay in the sunlight, smiling as people walking by you in the street stare.

After that you’ll go to Subway and get a footlong chicken teriyaki, and it’ll be fucking tasty. Then you’ll go home, finally over your week long well debacle.

The thing to take away from all this is that if you drank less your roommates would actually worry when you went missing for an entire week. Get into a program. And congratulations on getting over the well thing. Kudos.