Congratulations on Finally Seeing In The Cut!

You’ve wanted to see Meg Ryan’s tits for a while, and since you’re neither charming, handsome or famous, the best you could do was renting In The Cut. You tried When Harry Met Sally, but there was nothing in the TNT version you watched. It was funny, and everything, but no tits.

For most people, especially since the advent of Netflix, renting In The Cut would be no problem. But you live in Montana, near the Idaho border, and the woman who owns your local video rental store refuses to carry Meg Ryan films on the grounds that she promotes the gay Jewish conspiracy. When you try to tell her Meg Ryan is neither Jewish nor homosexual she usually picks up her shotgun from behind the counter and chases you out of the store.

Well, last week the Internet finally reached your town (which is why you can get this important news in time!) and you were on it faster than you could say “Holy shit titties.” But you didn’t want to spoil the tits for yourself, so you skipped Mr. Skin and opened up your new Netflix account. In The Cut was at the head of your queue, followed by the first season of Battlestar Gallactica.

Those three to five days waiting for that disk to arrive will have been the longest of your life, which is sort of sad, but when that little red envelope shows up on your doorstep you’ll be so excited you’ll almost wet yourself. You’ll hurry back to your home with the mail under your arm.

However, as you re-enter your house from the mile long walk from your mailbox you’ll be violently struck with a heavy blunt object of indeterminate origin. As you lose consciousness your last thoughts will be a silent prayer that whoever has assaulted you doesn’t steal your TV, DVD player, or your newfound copy of In The Cut.

When you come to a man in a black ski mask will be sitting in front of you. He’ll look a little bit like Craig from the job you had before you made it big on the dot-com boom.

“Craig?” You’ll say, squinting at him.

He’ll hit you with a toaster. “Shut the fuck up!”

It’ll hurt a lot, and you’ll taste blood, but you’ll assume you guessed right, so you’ll keep talking. You always liked Craig, and if he’s shown up at your house and attacked and bound you you’d like to know why.

“So, what’s up man? I haven’t seen you in-“

He’ll cut you off by striking you again with the toaster. This time spots will float in front of your eyes, but it’ll hurt a little less.

“My name isn’t fucking Craig!” he’ll shriek at you, spittle landing on your face.

“Oh,” you’ll say, disappointed.

After a few minutes of him pacing and swearing at you, he’ll calm down enough to explain his plan.

As it turns out he sees himself as the one true Meg Ryan fan. He’s heard tales of your quest to see In The Cut (you really talk about it too much) and he thinks you’re trying to challenge his position as top fan. When you try to explain that you aren’t he’ll beat you some more with a toaster.

As such he has concocted an elaborate scheme to kill you in an ironic fashion, a la the Saw films. He has stripped you naked and attached a mechanism to your penis which will sever it if it becomes aroused. Given the intensely psychosexual nature of In The Cut, he believes there is no way you, who has to be as unnaturally attracted to Meg Ryan as he is, won’t be undone by your own boner. After it cuts off your dick the machine will slowly choke you until the film ends or you die.

He’ll laugh after he tells you this, then let you know the only way you can survive. If you aren’t aroused at all for the entire one hundred and nineteen minutes, including credits, you’ll be released unharmed. With these words he’ll leave your house, politely locking and closing the door behind him as he goes.

Suffice it to say, it’ll be really tough not to get wood after being told you can’t. You’ll think of little else, which will start to make you a little hard in the first place, but once In The Cut starts you’ll be all clear.

It turns out that movie is a real boner killer for you. You’ll now understand the irony of the would-be serial killer’s thought process, given the subject matter of the film. If you weren’t strapped to a chair with a razor blade a few inches from your dick you would laugh about it.

Things being what they are, you’ll just focus every last ounce of energy into not being aroused for around an hour. During the topless scene you’ll break out into a cold sweat but Mark Rufallo will really ruin it for you, so no worries. After that you’ll just be too tired to get hard for the rest of the film.

When its all over you’ll be released from your bonds and proceed into your kitchen to make some pasta. Then you’ll carefully dismantle the remains of the booby trap and put In The Cut in its return envelope, vaguely disappointed by the whole experience.

Oh, and also you’ll now be able to make yourself last long during sex by thinking of Meg Ryan’s tits. So that’s a pretty cool trick. Congratulations on finally seeing In The Cut, winner. Enjoy Battlestar Gallactica when it arrives, and consider moving to somewhere less remote and culturally oppressive.