Congratulations On Your Recent Acquittal!

Congratulations are in order! Today you’ll be found not guilty on all counts by a federal appellate judge!

As a fully exonerated businessman, your first act will be to hire a prostitute to fellate you in the back of your Mazda Protegé (with the trial you’ve fallen on hard times). This will be a huge mistake, as though you were under indictment for tax fraud, of which you were totally guilty, the feds were still itching to get you on anything they could and, surprise surprise, hooker was a plant.

Now, don’t panic. This can go one of two ways.

The key thing to do is ask her if she’s a cop. She’ll say no. She’s seen the movies too, and she knows she has to tell you if she is, but she’s not a cop. She’s a federal agent, and those fuckers can do whatever they want. So here’s what you do.

After the cop question, ask her what she thinks about the Patriot Act. She’ll launch into a spirited speech about how it finally grants federal investigative bodies the power they need to end the remarkable corruption affecting our world. She’ll talk about how without it scumbags like you would run free, and the United States would become little more than your personal piggybank. Halfway through the speech she’ll know she’s been made, but she’ll be so excited she won’t care.

By now, she’s going to be moist, so all you’ll have to do is lean over and cut her off mid sentence with a kiss and you’ll think her name was Wally West she’ll be on your dick so fast (you have some really weird fantasies, by the way).

Now, this is where you have to make a choice. If you call her the next day you’ll have to risk your marriage with your wife, who you’re already cheating on with your mistress but this will make things a lot harder. Expect to have a really hot three way or a painful separation later this year if you choose this route.

If you don’t call her she’s going to go back to her bosses with the evidence and say you went for it hook line and sinker. Since you never actually paid her for sex she’s just going to get a rape kit and drop some of her own money, cash, into their hands just to see your wham bam thank you ma’am ass burn. And you’re going to end up with a ruined marriage, no chance of a hot three way, and potential rectal damage from your brief stay in county.

Look, this one really isn’t that hard. Just call her. She’s totally hot and even though you’re a repressed homosexual with a bevy of fantasies about DC Silver Age super heroes, it’ll be a fun ride. You might even get a shot at every dude’s fantasy (TWO CHICKS AT ONCE!!!) which would be your fantasy if you hadn’t blocked out your best friend touching your dick as a kid and you loving it.

So just call her. Oh, and congratulations on your recent acquittal. It was sort of a travesty, but hey.