Congratulations on Trying Gay Sex!

This one is a bit odd. We want to keep it as open ended as possible for y’all, but you really do need to make this one come true. So ladies, fellas, come on. Work with us here.

Today (or maybe tomorrow; we lost our day planner) you’re going to wake up and you’re going to want to put your best friend of the same sex’s genitals in your mouth and hold them there until the swelling goes down. It won’t feel forbidden or awkward in your mind. It’ll just feel right.

And it’ll be an awesome idea (you’ve been suppressing these feelings for a long time and you look like absolute ass as a result) and make you feel rockin’, but if you play it wrong you’ll end up alienating one of your best friends since childhood, and a potential source of ass if you really dig the way their genitals taste (there’s a 75% chance you will, so listen up y’all!) so we’re here to drop some knowledge on just how to play this.

First of all, don’t get all faggy about it. You’re going to get your gay on, but that doesn’t mean you have to be all “don’t you love Rent?!” about it. Play it cool. Don’t be weird about it. Just be up front and say “I want to suck a dick/eat some pussy today. You down?” Trust me, they’ll be out of their pants before they can say “Oh Fuck Yeah!”

Next up, do a good job. This is your first time, so a little clumsiness is acceptable, but they’ve got the same tackle you do down there, so you should basically know what to do to it, assuming you’re not retarded. If you are retarded, odds are your friend either knows and accepts this or is retarded too, so they’ll be pretty cool with your fumbling and the way you occasionally shout “fried rice” since you can’t stop thinking about Chinese food whenever you perform oral sex.

If you’re not retarded, ask question for the first minute or two until you get your rhythm down and then see where this shit goes. Our Future Experts are showing a 57% chance that this will become a regular event if you just let yourself go with it, and even if it doesn’t it’ll be a fond/hilarious memory if you play your cards right. So keep an open mind, remember eye contact and conversation and, above all else, enjoy yourself.

Oh, and don’t enter someone’s anus without their permission or you’ll lose your best friend and get a rare strain of hepatitis. Today (or tomorrow) only on this one. Just be considerate is all we’re saying.

And congratulations on trying gay sex. It’s pretty much what you expected, right?