Congratulations on Winning the Tournament!

Congratulations! The tournament is coming up and you’re going to claim victory! The tournament, of course, is the culmination of a series of eating contests. You’ll be competing up against a whole bunch of really fat people as well as Takeru Kobayashi, and it’s going to be pretty intense.

You’ll have twenty minutes to eat as many hot dogs and buns as you can, and it’ll be pornographic to watch you. Like a human vacuum cleaner you’ll ravenously devour substandard meat and bread, giving even Kobayashi-sama pause. Your only real competition will be a 420 pound man named Jack Schlaziski. He will be wearing a “World’s Greatest Dad” t-shirt and will be sweating profusely. You’ll swear he was on death’s door.

You’ll be burying him at first, but then you’ll catch sight of your ex-girlfriend in the crowd and you’ll slow down when your eyes meet hers.

The two of you broke up two nights ago and your desire to prove yourself to her has been fueling your eating contest performance tonight. But here she is tonight, beaming with pride as you devour piles and piles of junk food. Seeing her your strength will begin to flag.
Jack Schlaziski will immediately detect this weakness. Like all fat people he possesses a heighten sense of empathy for all living creatures which allows him to perceive subtle emotional changes in those around him.

“She doesn’t really love you,” he’ll mutter, mouth occluded by hot dogs, hoping to crush your morale and take the victory from you in a landslide comeback.

But Jack’s never been very good with people, or at applying his gift in general life, so his attempt at crushing you will simply drive you to excel. You’ll redouble your efforts and as you cram hot dogs down your throat even Jack will stop eating, and a hush will fall over the crowd. The only sound will be your mouth gulping as you swallow huge chunks of semi-rancid meat.

When the buzzer sounds you’ll be breathing heavily, disoriented from your hot dog eating fervor. Your eyes will glaze a little, and you’ll feel sick, but your victory will be intact. You’ll have eaten over two hundred hot dogs in twenty minutes.

Takeru Kobayashi, your idol, will begin a slow clap in your honor, and the entire state fair will join in on it. He will place his hand on your shoulder and whisper something in your ear in Japanese. You don’t speak Japanese, but you’ll assume it was a compliment.

Still disoriented, this human contact will make you throw up in your own mouth a little. You’ll sit upright in your chair, swaying slightly with the effort of remaining conscious, until your ex-soon-to-be-not-so-ex-girlfriend runs up and plants one right on your mouth. You’ll throw up for reals when she does, but it’ll be okay. She knows how much you love her, and she’ll forgive you.

The two of you will date for another week and a half until you find her cheating on you with Gazoo from the Flintstones. Yes, he’s real, and he’s made you a cuckold. But congratulations on winning the tournament.