Congratulations Racist Bird!

We all know that birds hold secrets within their hearts, secrets that they conceal only because they lack the capacity for speech. If they could talk they’d be saying shit all the time, mostly about people’s social security numbers and masturbating habits. But some birds have their own secrets to tell: birds like you.

And after you shit on a wizard’s head, he’s going to give you the ultimate curse/gift: he’s going to grant you the ability to speak.

“FUCKING MICKS ARE RUINING AMERICA!” you’ll shout as you stretch your wings. “EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE ONE OF THOSE POTATO FACED FUCKS I JUST WANNA CUT MY OWN DICK OFF, IT’S THAT FUCKING BAD!”

Fortunately we’ve actually institutionalized racism against the Irish, so it won’t be too tough for you. You’ll occasionally have to dodge a rock thrown by a bleary eyed son of Erin, but for the most part you’ll just flit about proudly declaring the ways the Irish have ruined America. Enjoy your new gift, and the solitude that it brings with you as your feathered brothers begin avoiding you now that they know exactly what it is you have to say about the world.

Congratulations Racist Bird!