Congratulations on Making a Living Kool-Aid Man!

You’re a mad scientist. But there’s no business in warfare anymore, we’ve gotten most of the crazy fucking science there done already. No, what we’re interested in having amoral, brilliant quacks work on now is advertising!

You specifically deal in making living, breathing corporate mascots. It keeps costs down and allows for children to literally play with a creature who, despite the perpetual agony of their existence and the hellish torture that each second of life represents for them, will smile and reinforce brand synergy without ever asking for a day off.

Also, it’s kind of amusing.

Today you’re going to reach the pinnacle of your career: you’re going to make a living, breathing Kool-Aid Man. He’ll awake in a start, gasping for air. He’ll looking around the room in a panic with eyes welded to the side of the his head for several minutes before opening his mouth, coughing several times and summoning the power of speech to say:

“Kill… Me…”

You won’t. Instead you’ll pour morphine into the top of his head, enough to knock him out, and check your agenda to see the next interesting project on your list. Nothing will really strike you as challenging after this, though, which will really bum you out.

Congratulations on Making a Living Kool-Aid Man!