Congratulations Last Guy Who Speaks Latin!

Classics departments used to have all the hottest ladies. WE GET IT! All those togas and hats made of leaves and the sandals? OH GOD THE SANDALS!

But here’s the thing: no one speaks Latin anymore. Some people speak Greek, sure, or permutations of Persian and Farsi, but no one gives a shit about Latin. It’s a well known fact, introduced to our discourse largely by the hit HBO show Rome, that everyone in ancient Rome really spoke English, sometimes with British accents, sometimes with strange speech patterns that only actually manifest themselves during stage performances.

So you wander the offices of your classic department shouting things in Latin, hoping someone will respond to you. You do it every day as you enter the office, as you leave to get lunch, return from lunch and depart for the evening. Today, following your evening-departure-shout, something glorious will occur. A young woman will emerge from her office, following your shout of “QUIS HUC LATINE LOQUI?” with a smile on her face and lust in her eyes.

“I’m sorry, is that Latin you’re speaking?” she’ll ask, chewing on the end of a pen in the most suggestive way imaginable.

“Yes,” you’ll declare, puffing out your chest. “Yes it is.”

“Hot,” she’ll moan, grabbing you by the neck and pulling you into her office for desk-sex. Later, you’ll discover she’s married to the chair of your department, which will make life hard for you, but hey, at least speaking Latin finally paid off!

Congratulations Last Guy Who Speaks Latin!