Congratulations Piano Rain Man!

The U.S. isn’t winning the War on Terror. Now, some people say that’s because it’s basically a war on an idea rather than an actual war. Other, smarter people explain that it’s really more of a war on a small interconnected group of non-state entities that are difficult to dismantle or destroy using conventional methods of warfare and counterintelligence, which is why it’s so slow going.

But today you’re going to make a big dent.

Due to a rare birth defect that has manifested itself recently in your life, pianos constantly tumble from the sky, falling everywhere but on top of your head wherever you are. That means that even if you’re just standing around or riding the subway you’re still super dangerous to be around.

You figured this out last month, after your wife and two beautiful daughters were killed by errant pianos tumbling from the sky and within a week you’d moved to the central South Dakota, where you lived in isolation from everyone else. The landscape around you became a ruined mess of pianos and the corpses of animals unfortunate enough to get in your way. Today, all of that is going to change.

This morning you’ll be woken up by something small and hard falling gently on your face. It will be, oddly enough, an i-Phone. And the moment you take it in your hand it’ll start ringing.

You’ll answer it reflexively, without thinking. I mean, you’re so incredibly lonely, who could blame you?

“Your country needs you, son,” the voice on the other end will say.

“Whatever,” you’ll respond, upset at America for not preventing your birth defect somehow.

“Don’t be that way. We’re working on a cure,” the voice will explain.

And just like that, without any sort of detailed explanation of specifics regarding said cure you’ll be given directions on how to drive to an isolated stretch of Washington coast, board a personal submersible and pilot said submersible to a larger submarine which will carry you across the ocean to India, where you’ll then be transported via train to Pakistan.

Pianos will chase you the whole way, causing some pretty seriously havoc on the road and almost sinking the sub a few times, but eventually you’ll reach your destination and begin your mission: walking around areas where suspected terrorists live and killing everyone there, civilians included, with the random falling pianos that constantly hound you. That way their deaths can’t technically be attributed to the United States and we keep killing bad guys, or at least the people who called us bad guys one time, which makes them, in turn, bad guys to us.

Keep praying for that cure, hero.

Congratulations Piano Rain Man!