Congratulations Masturbating Werewolf!

We all know that werewolves love two things: masturbating and napping. When werewolves aren’t transforming, they’re usually sleeping off their last transformation or masturbating furiously so they can build up to another really satisfying nap.

But here’s the downside of it: all that masturbating, paired with all that sweat and hair, means that your apartment smells like shit. And your persistent, almost crippling laziness keeps you from ever cleaning it up or airing it out. You kill a well sized animal once a month to keep yourself from wandering the streets at night in wolf form, murdering innocent people, and you barely even bother cleaning that up. Everything else just adds to it and makes your living situation unbearable to people who aren’t you.

Case in point: tonight you’re going to get a lady back to your “den” as you like to call it. She’ll be just the right mix of desperate and abused. She’ll want your approval and vaguely feel disgusted by you the same way she craves her father’s approval while feeling almost perpetual disgust for him. It’ll be a rough mix for her, but for you it’ll look pretty good.

But the moment she peeks her head into your apartment and catches a whiff of the mix of blood, sweat, semen, feces and fur that pervades it she’ll reflexively cover her mouth and stagger on the threshold.

“Holy shit,” she’ll mumble to herself. “What the fuck happened in there?”

“I’m a werewolf,” you’ll explain. “So I don’t really do normal people things, and there are a lot of odors associated with my lifestyle.”

“That’s a terrible excuse,” she’ll mutter between retches as she backs away from the door.

You won’t have a very good response to that, which is just as well because it’s tough to see you convincing anyone to do anything, let alone to stay in your terrible apartment. After a few minutes of awkward silence broken only by her labored breath, she’ll find the strength to stand and announce:

“I’m gonna go home.”

You’ll shout after her, “Can I get your number?!” but she won’t turn around. She’ll just keep getting smaller and smaller in your hallway, leaving you to go inside and masturbate imagining her on top on your sullied, filth swollen mattress. It’ll be pretty fantastic, even if sex with her would’ve been better.

Congratulations Masturbating Werewolf!