Congratulations Grossly Inappropriate Jar Salesman!

Ever walk into a lady’s house and see jars all full up with all sorts o’ stuff? Like pebbles, or pasta, or potpourri? Sure you have, you big kidder you. You know about all kinds of jars. After all, you sell them to people for a living.

But you don’t sell none of that sissy stuff. No, no, no. You sell things that people really need. Fetuses, monkey heads, severed body parts, human excrement. Really, anything a reasonable person might need but might also be ashamed of to order in a catalog that “keeps records” and “documents your credit card statement” which is where you come in: as a door to door salesman you neither keep records nor do you accept currency other than cash.

Most of your business comes from wealthy CEOs who want to furnish their living spaces with horrifying accoutrements. You generally make maybe four or five big sales a year and then the rest of the time you’re just spinning your wheels, looking to get some jars out there so that you can make a little saving money.

Today you’re going to uncover a whole new market when you walk up to one of them houses what with the wrong letters on the front what sits near college campuses. You’ll tug your fedora for good luck, ring the bell and smile when an attractive young woman answers the door.

“Yah?” she’ll say through a mouthful of chewing gum.

“May I interest you in some jars filled with revolting shit?” you’ll tell her, opening your overcoat to expose a panoply of jars filled with disparate materials, ranging from…well, we already gave you an idea. She’ll frown at most of the more trophy-like jar fillings, but when her eyes settle on your jars of vomit and human feces she’ll smile.

“Ohmigod! We’ve got a collection of that!” she’ll say, clapping then holding her hands in front of her mouth to conceal her worn teeth as she grins uncontrollably.

“Oh?” you’ll tell her. “Well, why make your own when you can purchase designer human secretion for an incredibly reasonable price?!”

Fifteen minutes later you’ll have a list of sorority houses in the greater San Diego area and two fewer boxes of horrifying jars in the trunk of your hatch back. You’ll also have about six hundred dollars and a whole new customer base to ply your trade with.

Congratulations Grossly Inappropriate Jar Salesman!