Congratulations Masturbation Advocate!

Masturbation needs a white knight, and today you’re it.

Today you’re going to go on the senate floor and, along with Louis C.K. and the guys who run Redtube, make the case that there is no pursuit more American than masturbation, no goal more noble or noteworthy. We’d reprint the speech here, but we’re pretty sure that would actually get us thrown in jail, not only because of the obscenity used there in (beautiful obscenity, granted) but also because that might somehow constitute re-producing records of a closed session of the senate in which many senators will provide detailed information about their own masturbatory habits. Some, such as Al Franken’s, will be unsurprising, but others will be alarming (we’re not sure how Mitch McConnell gets anything done at all).

But here’s the thing: they’ll all come away from your speech knowing that masturbation is normal, healthy, fun and, above all else, doesn’t deserve the stigma that it currently possesses in our society. So we’re going to have you to thank for national masturbation day, which will fall on July sixth this year. In the future it’ll be the first Friday following the Fourth of July, so that enterprising masturbators can call in sick to work and theoretically spending the entire weekend patriotically jacking off with the full support of our nation’s highest legislative body.

Congratulations Masturbation Advocate!