Congratulations Openly Gay Dictator!

Dictatorial reigns have long been a straight person’s game. There were some rumors about Stalin and just what that moustache meant, but given how often he raped people most folk are willing to just factor the occasions where he raped men into the law of averages. And Castro’s beard was way too dumb for a gay. Only a straight man would ever think that a chin beard was an appropriate indicator of authority.

But today you, in a slimming tan suit with short shorts attached, will take control of Latviastonia in a horrendously blood coup, proving to the world that gay people can be every bit as terrible and psychotic as straight people under the right circumstances. As you press into the capital city on a tank covered with babies, in order to dissuade your opponents from firing upon it, you’ll speak from inside the tank to a loudspeaker crudely attached to its roof.

“LATVIASTONIANS!” you’ll cry. “THE REIGN OF UNFASHIONABLE STRAIGHT PEOPLE IS OVER! THE REIGN OF TRUEST OF FASHIONS, THE FASHIONS THAT WILL CHANGE THE WORLD, HAS BEGUN! BOW TO ME! TO MY SHORTS! TO THE POWER OF TAN!”

At this point you’ll raise your nation’s new flag, a plain square of tan, above the tank. The people outside the tank will begin screaming hysterically, but you’ll hear the sound as cheering, cheering for the glorious reign you’ll usher in, a reign where long pants are forbidden and outfits that do not include the color tan are punishable by death.

Later that day you’ll execute the entirety of parliament. This will cement your hold over Latviastonia for about three years. After that you’ll be executed by a splinter group of considerably less stereotypical gays who hate the way you’re portraying their sexual orientation. Your death will be heralded as another marker for progress, as you’ll no longer simply be the first gay dictator to come to power through a violent coup, but also the first gay dictator to be assassinated after your insanity has become glaringly obvious to the people who once supported you.

Congratulations Openly Gay Dictator!