Congratulations Visitor from the Stars!

Remember how Highlander 2 ruined Highlander by making it a bunch of aliens instead of inexplicable immortals born to every age, reborn upon their violent death in battle? Well, that’s kind of like what you’re going to do today, when your space-pod crashes in the middle of Los Angeles and you emerge, covered in leatherite armor, wielding your nanoforged daikatanza (which coincidentally looks almost exactly like a katana). You’ll then proceed to go on a killing spree throughout the city of sun and fun, murdering dozens of people before you’re suppressed by a police officer with a tazer.

As you lay thrashing on the ground, covered in blood from the various civilians you cut down, the cops will look at one another, pondering for a moment whether or not they should do the usual thing that the LAPD does with illegal aliens (merciless beatings) when a black SUV pulls up. Men will spill out from the SUV, men in suits with glasses and scowls. They’ll flash badges that don’t actually have anything in them at cops who turn pale at the sight and then they’ll load you into the back of one of said SUVs and haul you off to Cheyenne Mountain.

Once you arrive (following a horrible, twenty hour drive) you’ll be hooded and dragged into the mountain itself, where you’ll be shoved into an elevator by two huge Secret Service Agents. Once you reach the bottom of the elevator shaft those agents will shove you out of the elevator and into the arms of another pair of Secret Service Agents. Those agents will in turn drag you to a room where the hood will be ripped off, exposing an imposing host of Earth’s greatest generals.

Colin Powell, Cyber-Rommel, Burt Reynolds circa 1977 and some dude with a robotic eye will be seated around a round table, flanking none other than President Barack Obama. There will be one open seat at the table, directly across from Obama. He’ll gesture for you to sit down.

“Hello, visitor from across the stars,” he’ll announce more than say to you in his most presidenty voice. “What can you bring to our little organization?”

Since you don’t speak English, you won’t so much respond to his question as try to slip your bonds and jump over the table to choke him. In response, Burt Reynolds circa 1977 will shoot you in the chest with a double barrel shotgun, obliterating your alien physiology.

Congratulations Visitor from the Stars!