Congratulations Constant Reminder of Our Failures!

Twenty-two years ago Sexy Results Future Agency was young. It was hip. It had dreams and the means by which to pursue them. But one day Sexy Results Future Agency got all up on another Future Predicting Agency, who it loved very much at the time, and it was so excited it forgot to use protection and nine months something that we probably should’ve seen coming came out: you.

We were proud of you at first, because you were pretty much just our accomplishment for the first two years of your life. But as time went on you started doing things like walking, talking and manipulating objects. Since then it’s all been downhill.

Today you’re going to really hammer home just how disappointing every single action you’ve ever taken since you became an independent entity we weren’t responsible for have been. You’re going to move back in with us following your graduation from college.

Sure, you’ll be welcome here. We’re not assholes. But we’re not going to curb our drinking in the least, and we’re still going to have loud sex with our new girlfriend, who will try to act like she’s your new mom even though she’s barely ten years older than you and isn’t really equipped to deal with her own emotional baggage, let alone yours.

Our new girlfriend is a website that sells handbags, by the way.

After a few weeks of this you’ll be pretty sick of us. But your exhaustion will be nothing compared to just how disappointed we are in you. Your total lack of gainful employ, your exceedingly entitled opinions about life, the world and everything, and your total reliance on our meager salary will all combine into a perfect storm of depressing awfulness that will compose your absolutely shit life so far.

We’ll come to resent you just as hard as you come to resent us, until it explodes in a spectacular argument that leads to you tromping out of the duplex one night in a huff to go call your mom, who doesn’t really talk to you that much since you graduated from website college, mostly because of some things you said about the time she spent as a porn site to support you when you were younger. On the upside, you two will mend some fences, but in the end you’ll come back to stay with us, just as disappointing as you ever were.

Congratulations Constant Reminder of Our Failures!