Congratulations Terrible Super Hero!

When you were growing up you wanted to be a hero more than anything else in the world. More than the head of an oil conglomerate, even, which is what your so-called father wanted you to be. But you couldn’t really do anything about it thanks to your controlling “dad” and his “constant pressure to achieve your full potential and push the industry towards alternative energy sources.”

Well, jokes on your dad because two days ago he died under mysterious circumstances and, following a massive funeral service today, you’re about to inherit his wealth and none of his values. Your first order of business will be constructing an elaborate armored costume which can fit your tremendously obese frame. Your second order of business will be hiring a private military that can actually get things done for you since, even without your armor on, it’s really hard for you to move around and fight guys and stuff. Your third order of business will be flying to Pakistan and starting a private war against…you’re not entirely sure who, but they’re gonna deserve it damnit!

Within fourteen days the media organizations you inherited from your dad will be making you front page news, with stories like “crazed egoist kills hundreds of civilians and handful of Taliban loyalists in daring midnight suburban raids.” Within a month your nom de guerre, “The Inheritor,” will be on the lips of eighty percent of Americans. And within two months you’ll be in front of the Hague where your tremendous inheritance will be put to use clearing you and a handful of your most loyal lieutenants from totally justified allegations of war crimes.

Another day in the life of a hero!

Congratulations Terrible Super Hero!