Congratulations on Teaching Those Aliens to Love One Another!

You thought your life was over when those aliens took you into their spaceship just outside of Tucson, and to some extent you were right. Existentially, your life was over the moment you were born, and realistically you were never going to be released by those aliens. You’re an insufferable prick, and you knew they’d suss it out sooner or later and figure out that the Earth as a planet was way better off without you.

But what you didn’t realize was that these aliens generated music almost exclusively by torturing captured humans. See, to them the screams of each human have a unique pitch and tenor that evoke emotions. Some people scream in a way that makes people want to jump around and slam into one another. Some people scream in a way that makes people want to chill out and discuss just how interesting the world is. And some people scream in a way that makes aliens want to fuck.

Turns out your screams are basically the alien equivalent to Al Greene. When you start to shriek as a barbed phallus is inserted into your rectum, aliens want to get biz-zay and freakay. In that order. When your voice is hoarse from having your nipples twisted and seared with isopropyl alcohol, they can’t help but unzip their flies. And when they hear it all live, it’s an amazing experience, a literal orgy of tentacles and alien genitals we really can’t accurately describe here.

Sure, you’re going to die in a month after you succumb to the tremendous physical trauma that aliens expose you to in order to get your sweet sweet screams out. But before that happens, long before that happens, you’re going to realize that this, this life of being constantly tortured by strange creatures from the stars so that you can bring their culture considerable joy, is the greatest thing you can achieve in life. And that realization, while really, really bittersweet, will kind of make the whole state of affairs more bearable.

Congratulations on Teaching Those Aliens to Love One Another!