Congratulations Monster Civil Rights Activist!

When you reach the cache containing the remnants of your old life it’ll be the middle of the day. The potential for being spotted will be high: between hikers, perverts and park rangers (who actually just “engage in constitutionals” with their time more often than not) it’ll be almost a miracle that no one sees you digging up the old chest filled with books, photos and mix tapes from your past. And while much of the contents will not have held up well (including your original Wheatus cassettes) your constitutional law books will be in perfect condition.

After verifying their integrity you’ll throw them, along with the rest of the trunk’s contents, into the back of your geo and start driving back to your house. By this time a missing person’s report will be in effect for Alfred, the retarded man you murdered yesterday, but you won’t be running this time. Instead you’ll be reading through your old textbooks, looking for sections on the civil rights and liberties of occult or arcane entities under the conditions of the American Constitution. Turns out the founding fathers (particularly James Monroe) were really concerned with werewolves, mummies, vampires and whatnot and their place in American society, and they set up a series of special protections in the Hidden Passages of the Constitution (™) to make sure that these crucial constituents weren’t treated unfairly because of their state.

This includes a series of protections that permit werewolves to skip work for three days a month with impunity, to prevent co-worker murder, and an explicit writ that any employer who interferes with such a process is responsible for any injury or death that might occur therefore.

This is what you’ll need to defend yourself. You’ll turn yourself in at the PD later on in the day, checking your books in with your personal affects, and, while talking to the booking officer, you’ll lay out your whole five-year plan to her. You’ll tell her that you plan to represent yourself in court, pass the bar in Pennsylvania and then start a practice providing legal services to various “occult Americans.” She’ll shake her head and ignore you, but you won’t mind. You’ll know what you’re doing is right. And for the first time in your life since you left your wife, you’ll feel like your life has purpose again.

You’ll go to sleep with a smile on your face that night, muscles still sore from your transformation a few days earlier. You’ll already be playing out your defense in your head, dreaming of being back in front of a courtroom again, of how good it’ll feel to do something with your life again.

Congratulations Monster Civil Rights Activist!