Congratulations on Capturing That Ancient Evil In Your Stepmom's Corpse!

Your stepmom is a total bitch. That’s why you killed her with a piano wire. But it turns out Johnny Law gets all up in arms when you murder someone, at least when they weren’t trying to murder you, so now you’ve got a whole new can-o-worms to deal with in the form of your stepmom’s dead body.

But, years ago, you made a pact with a demon whose name cannot be spoken with our mortal language, in exchange for some funyuns and a stylish hat that went out of style back in the mid-oughts. You told it you’d help it break into this world or, failing that, grant it your immortal soul to toy with for all eternity. So, with the vessel of your stepmom’s course inside of a protective salt circle and a bunch of cats to sacrifice, you’re going to bring your demon buddy into the world, feet first.

“I RETURN,” the shapeless evil will screech.

“Awesome!” you’ll clap your hands and laugh in a moment of self-congratulation. “So far so good.”

“WHY AM I SUMMONED?” The voice will skirt along the room, seeking purchase.

“My stepmom is dead and I want you to take her body. You just have to promise not to murder me and you have to pretend to be my stepmom, at least until I move out of my dad’s house.”

“WHY HAVEN’T YOU MOVED OUT ALREADY? YOU’RE ALMOST FORTY,” the voice will have a mocking edge to it, like it’s judging you.

“Look, I’m still getting my shit together, okay? Do you want this corpse or not?”

The voice will turn silent for a few seconds, then erupt anew.

“IT IS ACCEPTABLE.”

A storm of light and fury will fill the room, penetrating your eyes, your ears, your very mind and, of course, your stepmom’s corpse. The corpse will lurch forward and backward, head shifting at odd angles as it finds new purchase upon your stepmom’s neck, still gashed open from the piano wire. Your stepmom’s body will shudder, her eyes will fly open and skin around her throat will close suddenly. Her fingers will snap into fists and then relax. Then the corpse will rise to its feet and grin.

“It is accomplished,” she’ll murmur. Then your stepmom’s demon inhabited body will cross the salt circle and start doing your laundry, which is a relief because you’ll almost be out of clean clothes at this point and you’re totally incapable of fending for yourself for even a short period of time.

Congratulations on Capturing That Ancient Evil In Your Stepmom’s Corpse!