Congratulations High Dive Drama Queen!

OH

MY

FUCKING

GOD.

Please please please shut the fuck up. We get it. You’re diving and it’s super high. You do not, absolutely do not, need to keep telling us just how high it is.

“It’s like thirty feet,” you’ll tell the bagger at the grocery store who, news flash, is thinking about when he’ll be able to convince his co-worker, Bernice, the one with the tits, to come with him in the stock room so that they can have unprotected sex behind a box of Kraft Mac n Cheese.

“Some people would be scared of the heights I jump from,” you’ll inform the waiter at the restaurant where you’re eating alone. “But I don’t have the natural instincts that keep people alive in society in general, like fear.” By the time you finish he’ll no longer be listening. He’ll be staring out the window at the intersection the restaurant sits near, licking his lips, praying for a van to swerve wildly and crash through the plate glass window that looks out at the intersection, changing the hideous course of his life and, good lord willing, maiming you.

“I guess I’m pretty brave,” you’ll tell your live-in boyfriend as he finishes packing his things into boxes. He won’t bother telling you he’s leaving. He’ll know you’re not listening. He’ll just turn the lights out while you keep talking, closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep on the couch.

You won’t speak to yourself as you lay in bed alone, thinking of the heights you jump from. At one point, for the briefest of moments at three in the morning, you’ll think that maybe there’s more to life than diving into water from tremendous heights. In a flash you’ll consider if you’re alone because you can’t step outside of your own high-belly-floppin’ drama for five god damn minutes, or if it’s because you can’t show interest in another human being for more than a few seconds. But that thought will vanish ere long, replaced with thoughts of how cool it is to jump high. Self-reflection will have been averted. Thank god.

Congratulations High Dive Drama Queen!