Congratulations on Growing Mold Where No Mold Has Grown Before!

There aren’t a lot of places where mold hasn’t grown on earth. Technically it’s growing all the time under the ocean, where we’re largely unsure of just what’s going on. It’s in caves, even caves we haven’t been in. It’s in our houses, our basements, our root cellars. The only place mold isn’t necessarily is at the top of really high mountains.

Mold’s been trying to grow up there for a long, long time, though. But since mold acts a lot of independent agency, it needs some help to get there. That’s where you come in.

You’re a notoriously dirty mountaineer, a champion of mold and a fan of mid-eighties hip hop music about hat stores. You’ve carried moss to the peaks of most mountains in continental America, and mold has celebrated you for it, withholding its consumption of your genitals until such a time as it believes it is necessary.

Today you’re going to fulfill your ultimate destiny. Today you’re going to climb to the top of Mount Everest, alone, and let mold lay its precious little spores up there at the top of the world.

It’ll be a long, arduous climb. Over the course of the climb you’ll break one arm, one leg and lose one lung. But the mold will fill in the gaps in bone and the failing flesh and flex itself, giving you the strength you need to reach the summit, the ultimate peak in the world. Once you get there your life will be ebbing, but you won’t care. You’ll plant your flag, grin at the sun, and then let the cold overtake you.

The mold, with its heart in the center of your crotch, will silently applaud you for your efforts. Then it’ll consume your entire body before the heat leaves it and let the cold come and freeze it inside your corpse, waiting for a day when global warming allows it to explode out of your corpse and propagate itself across the earth.

Congratulations on Growing Mold Where No Mold Has Grown Before!