Congratulations Fuckface!

Normally the term you see above is reserved for people who are particularly shitty human beings. Congress people, used car salesmen, people who wear baseball caps high on their heads indoors. We’re not about that today.

Today we’re all about celebrating just how much we want to fuck that face.

You’ve got the total package going on there, and we’re not gonna lie: we’ve noticed. Those thick, juicy DSLs are just the most obvious quality. You also have a pert, healthy tongue that flicks out across your lips every few minutes when you’re not trying to keep yourself from lapping at your own chompers. It keeps those delightful slices of flesh suggestively moist, not too moist, just moist enough. It also draws attention away from your chin, which is somehow perfectly formed so that it could be missed if you weren’t paying attention to it. It’s not weak, and it’s not strong: it just is.

Paired with eyes that glisten up, just full of emotion and a nose bold enough to accent your face’s perfect symmetry but not so bold as to overwhelm your low cheekbones. And the expression you have, that half smile, those sad eyes… It’s almost too much to bear not to buy you a cake with an elaborate icing message telling you just how badly we want to be inside your mouth.

Anyhow, you’re going to win the no-bag raffle at Trader Joe’s today and we thought it made for a good excuse to tell you how much we wanted to fuck your face. We hope you don’t mind, and we hope you enjoy your free groceries. If we could make a recommendation: Charles Shaw wine is cheap and, for the price, good at what it does.

Also, we hope we didn’t weird you out with all the mouth sex stuff.

Congratulations Fuckface!