Congratulations Backwards Betty!

You’re Betty, and you do everything backwards. Well, almost everything. This isn’t one of those Benjamin Button situations. You age normally. And you form and end relationships normally, loving people at first and then hating them by the time you’re finished with them.

But you do everything else backwards. Case in point:

Today you’re going to be giving a guy a blowjob while you’re on the bottom of a sixty-nine (which is just non-sense!) and then you’re going to ask him to fuck you in your favorite position: reverse cowgirl. He’ll be super excited.

“I love reverse cowgirl!” he’ll announce to his roommate, who will be videotaping the two of you. He’ll nod in response and then nod at you, as if to say “go for it.”

Then you’ll flip him on his back with your freakish strength, look him deep in the eyes and BOOP, inside you’ll go.

You’ll ride him while he stares up at you, mystified and uncomfortable, for a full minute and a half. Then the combination of your vagina and your eye contact will be too much for him to bear and he’ll come inside you without warning.

“Thanks a lot for that, buddy,” you’ll say without one whit of sarcasm. Then you’ll go to his bathroom and brush your teeth with his toothbrush while peeing and thinking about dropping out of school so that you can attend the University of Phoenix online.

Congratulations Backwards Betty!