Congratulations Ejaculate Jackson Pollock!

This one’s pretty simple. You make paintings by jerking off on to campus. You then sometimes splatter paint on the canvas as well, but mostly you’re just jerking off while thinking about the concept you title the painting after.

You used to do landscapes, but then you tried this shit and it worked out really well for you financially so you just kept at it. We’d feel bad for you if you weren’t so hilariously successful.

Today you’re going to start your first major gallery show in Minneapolis. Your work will sell like hotcakes. We don’t necessarily dig it, even though we get the concept, but we’re not going to begrudge you your success. We will recommend that you branch out your interests, especially before fall of 2014, when ejaculation art won’t be nearly as gauche as it is today.

Do with this advice what you will, and try to be a little less pretentious in general. Also, stop wearing that hat.

Congratulations Ejaculate Jackson Pollock!