Congratulations on Having Your Hypochondria Justified!

We make fun of you. A lot. In our defense, you wash your hands after touching everything, and it makes your hands smell extremely weird. Also, you wear that funny white mask all the time, even during sex (by which we mean watching porn), and no one thinks it’s endearing anymore.

But today you’re going to be totally vindicated when everyone in New York City who has ever touched a subway pole with their bare hands or breathed in any air ever dies. They’re going to die horribly, too. Their skin will melt right off of their bones and their skulls will crack with the stress of their coughing fits so severely that their jaw bones will unhook and tumble to the ground. After that, their organs will liquefy.

Pretty gruesome, right? It was predicted by our youngest future-engineer, Sean, who is eight years young today.

You’ll be spared, thanks to your habit of constantly wearing gloves and the fact that you haven’t slept with anyone in like a decade. You’ll inherit a city filled with really wet, gross skeletons and a handful of other germaphobes, most of whom are Chinese, which is ironic because your racism against Chinese people was largely founded on them being, in your mind, “dirty.”

Live and learn, we guess! Try not to kill yourself in the post-apocalyptic wasteland that used to be the Big Apple.

Congratulations on Having Your Hypochondria Justified!