Congratulations Freak Factory!

Today you’re about to become a factory that produces weird freaks of nature.

This means you’re becoming a large building occupied by a strange little man who cackles frequently and wears his hair so that it resembles a set of three massive spikes pointing upwards. This man, despite his odd mannerisms, is a kind soul who frequently gives to charity and loves the quaint creatures he creates, is a disgraced geneticist from MIT.

He purchased you under foreclosure from your previous owners, a “pharmaceutical investment company” that was, in fact, a Ponzi scheme designed to fleece hardworking people out of millions.

You will, starting today, be repurposed. The phones that were used to respond to calls for investment in a company called “Not Fradulent Pharmaceuticals Encorporated” (sic) will be cleared out, replaced with massive vats where freaks are grown.

These freaks will go on to lead long, productive lives (of up to six months) as living weapons, ordered by the United States military through a shell corporation and then licensed and deployed through private military contractors. They’ll be applied to make the world a more peaceful (less populated) place.

You, as a building used for this purpose, won’t really care, since you’re a building, and are primarily concerned with your property value which will not change significantly.

Congratulations Freak Factory!